Many reasons.

There are a few reasons for writing this blog.  It has obviously been quite a while since I have updated.  As general updates on my life go, I am still very happily with Taylor.  I am home in Colorado again, I got back on July 31st.  Things at home have been very rocky for me.  I am doing my best to keep my head above water so to speak, but it’s not as easy as it sounds.  I thought I had a job, but right now I don’t even know.  The boss lady hired Taylor and I, but has kinda been giving us the run around.  I guess it will play out how it’s supposed to.  Now, this is most definitely not everything that has happened in the last couple months, but right now I have other things on my mind, so I will get back to you on that.  More recently, I have been having some problems.  I have been getting a lot of random moments of depression.  They will just hit me out of nowhere.  To go along with that, I have developed some sort of phobia of being by myself.  For example, every time Taylor has to leave me.  It’s tough to explain because it’s completely irrational.  In my head I know that he needs and deserves time to himself, time with his friends, just time away from me in general.  In my head, I am okay with that.  Some other part of me is not okay with being alone though.  I can’t really control it and it is driving me insane.  It just happened again tonight when he needed time with his friends.  I have been stressing him out so much,  I can see it.  It isn’t right and I feel so bad about it every single time.  Tonight though, we talked about it for nearly two hours.  He was calm and I eventually got there.  I felt so much better after talking with him.  I really wonder what I did to deserve someone who treats me so ridiculously amazing. I love him like you wouldn’t believe.  Anyway, I had more to say, but I am having some trouble thinking straight.  I will try to get back to you on all of this. 

~Emily

Scheduled up.

My life is now between constant babysitting, Shandee and Ben, phone calls to and from Taylor<3, and general appointments and such.  It's actually pretty funny, I have been back and forth between babysitting, and hanging with Shandee and Ben since Sunday.  I stayed the night with the both of them at Ben's place for four nights now.  It's been fun.  It's been a good distraction from how absolutely lonely I have been.  Goddddddd I miss him so much.  There will always be random moments in the day that it will be worse too.  Like right now, I miss him even more so now because I am going to bed soon.  Bleh.  Well, off to bed.

~Emily

So Lonely.

Ever feel EVERYTHING at the same time? Yeah, that's me.  Right now for example, I am happy, pissed, sad, excited, lonely, exhausted.... The list really does go on.  I am a walking mess sometimes.  I make it through though.  I sometimes don't even know how I make it through each day without going crazy, just because of how many things I have in my mind at one time. I just want to be back in Colorado right now...  You really have no idea how lonely I am.  I really have no one right now, and it completely blows.  As you know, I do not do well on my own. >.<

~Emily

Getting Things On Track.

I've just been thinking a lot lately.  I applied to PPCC, I applied to like six different jobs, I need to move out.  I suppose the latter of the three will be easier once I have said job and have a steady pay check.  As of yesterday, I have my license, but in Colorado that does me no good until I have a job to pay for my own insurance.  Figures right? All of this stuff goes back to me getting a job.  I wish the phrase "money makes the world go round" wasn't so true.  Back to moving out.  I have one serious room mate offer, and one that would be serious if she knew exactly where she was going to be in that time frame.  I have a possibility of moving out decently soon, but that would require me to let somebody else support me completely until I have a job.  That is way too much to ask.  (Even if I didn't really ask)  It just seems to me like everything is changing so quickly these days.  Some of the changes are wonderful, some just plain hard.  I mean really, graduation(Awesome!), end of long term relationship(Hell), leaving the state for long period of time(Bad timing), new relationship(He makes me super happy), college(Just another step), job(Everyone needs money), moving out(I don't even know)...  And not to mention all of the newly acquired allergies right? (Screw you allergies) Haha.  My life can seem pretty ridiculous at times, but I am getting through it with help.  I just need to keep moving forward with my life, and TRY to ignore the asses along the way.  Thank you to everyone who has always had my back.  You guys have no idea how much you truly mean to me.  I am going to find a way to show you all how much I love you guys, one day.

~Emily

Back With A Vengance.

It's been a while, I know.  There has been a lot of great things since the last time I updated you.  At the same time, there has been a lot of really bad things as well.  For one, you may as well know that I am now with Taylor.  I know what you are thinking, too fast, right? The funny thing is, it feels like it is where I am supposed to be.  It's kind of like all of my unhappiness and stress just go away when I am with him, or even just when we talk on the phone.  He makes me feel better, not so broken.  Yes, I just got out of a pretty serious relationship, but you know what? If I am happy with my decisions, what does it matter to anyone else? I shouldn't have to put my life on hold just because of a breakup.  For right now, I know what I want, I know what (more so, who) makes me happy.  On the bad side of things, there are quite a few people that seem to think I am not doing anything right.  I was told that watching me is like watching a car accident in slow motion.  I was told that people think that I am changing, but not in good ways.  Some people think that I have anger issues and that I don't take anyone's opinions into account but my own.  They think that I can't take criticism.  To clear things up, if you call me and blow up on me about something that has absolutely no negative effects on you, if you spread my private life to people, if you make immature comments about my decisions both behind my back and to my face, if you lie to me about what others have or have not said, I am sure as hell going to defend myself.  I will not take kindly to false accusations, name calling, and lies.  You call it anger issues, I call it self defense.  You say nothing gets through to me? Try talking to me instead of blowing up in my face for no reason.  You'd be surprised how much better that will work for you.  You say I can't take criticism? Try giving something constructive for once.  You think I have turned into a bitch? No, I have finally decided not to let you walk all over me anymore.  Get over it. :D.

~Emily

Hyper And Exhausted.

So, I went to horseback riding lessons with my sisters today.  My dad had to come with though.  Ugh.  Anyway, driving with him is stressful, but the lesson was really fun.  I got to learn different methods of controlling and directing the horse (Sonny) And I got to get hugged and kissed by my new "boyfriend" Macho Hahahahaha.  He is the horse you see in the picture.  He rolled over like a dog, and I got to lunge him (walk him in circles and such)  And I got to brush him.  Ever been licked in the face by a horse? It was hilarious.  Man though, horseback riding can build some serious leg muscle.  Okay... The picture I was gonna put up of Macho and I is being slow to send to my email.  Ill post it later.  Ill finish this blog later.  Lmao.  There, I finally loaded the picture like two days later.  Muahahaha.  I can finally finish writing this.

~Emily