Can this be impossible?

Everyone says that I WILL get better day by day.  Everyone seems to know that things will improve.  Everyone feels this but me.  All I can do is find things to fill the empty feeling inside me, if only temporarily.  I try to keep myself busy, I try not to stay alone in my head for long.  I feel like I need to stay out of the house for long periods of time.  If I do this, I am forcing myself to focus on something else.  Sometimes if feels wrong to feel so upset about this break up, only because I initiated it.  Is that true? I did what I thought was best for the both of us.  I DO still love him, very much.  I just couldn't keep living like I was.  I was constantly stressing out to the point of physical pain.  Anyways, as I was saying before, I am trying to stay out of the house as often as possible.  Tomorrow Sick Puppies will be in our local venue (I saw them 2 times already and they are my favorite band) And I am trying to locate a non-busy friend to go with me.  I really want to go.  I really just want to stay out of my head, and music is probably a good way to achieve that.

~Emily

Listen to this.

Some songs just completely explain what is going on.  This song is called "Starts With Goodbye"  it is by Carrie Underwood.  Even if you don't like her, read these lyrics, if you know my situation, you will understand why.
I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.
[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
Time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
Somehow, right now.
[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
Starts with goodbye,
The only way you try to find,
It's sad but, sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,
Na na na na na na na.

~Emily

Big room, Huge bed, Little me...

I'm not going to lie, this feeling I am having, it is lonely.  I have an entire basement room set up for two people, and it's just me and the dog.  Does he miss me? Should I care? I don't even know what to think right now.  I have had a total of eleven hours of sleep in the last three days.  Ridiculous, I know.  Leaving Colorado, leaving on that bus, saying goodbye... It was one of the hardest things I have EVER had to do.  I cried on that bus for who knows how long.  Hell, I cried on the plane too.  Now that I am actually in Oregon, I feel weird.  I feel fakey happy and hyper.  The only time it didn't feel fake was while I was talking on the phone.  My heart felt like it was actually lighter, because when I laughed, I actually meant it.  Two hours later, we finally had to say goodbye.  Suckish.  Too bad he can't teleport his butt out here with me.  That would make me genuinely happy.  At least we will be roomies.  Also, when he picks me up from the airport (after we beat the crap out of eachother for every SlugBug we saw) He is taking Meeko and I hiking.  After hiking, I get the first massage I will have gotten all summer.  Until then, I need to find a temporary fix for a broken heart.  Any ideas?

~Emily

And you thought you knew what real pain was.

So it's over then.  Where do I go from here? Where am I? I'm lost, I am confused, I did this to myself.  I think I am broken.  He had more than just my heart.  It feels like he has a part of me that I will never get back.  I don't feel like a whole person anymore.  Am I still me? Do I still belong here? Give me a reason to believe I do, please.  I'm not sure I have ever been this afraid.  I'm not sure I have ever felt this guilty.  I didn't just break his heart...I broke my own.  I need someone to tell me they can fix it.  I need someone to tell me that everything is going to be alright.  No, I need someone who makes everything feel like it's alright.  (When I talk to you, I do feel like I am alright, I forget about things sometimes, and then I get off the phone, and I remember.)  They say it doesn't last forever.  They say I will move on.  Will I? Should I? Do I deserve to? I am not asking to gain pity.  I am asking because I honestly do not know.  How am I going to make it through the summer? Can't I just bring you with me? That may make it better.  Will I still get my own place? Should I?
Will you come with me if I don't want to do it alone? I'd like that.

~Emily

It only hurts when I breathe.

Right now, I am not fine.  I am not okay.  Don't even bother asking.  I am a mess.  I just want my friend home, I need someone to lay with me.  We don't even have to talk, I just need the closeness.  I need the company.  I need to know that it is going to be okay.   All of this feels so wrong to me, it was not supposed to go this direction.  It was never supposed to get bad.  We were supposed to last forever.

~Emily

I can't help it.

This couldn't be anymore the truth than if I wrote it myself.  What is wrong with me? What am I doing? It's time for me to be happy.  I think I know what makes me happy now, but getting there is a fight on its own.  Can't someone please tell me what to do? I feel so lost here.  It's like I know exactly what I want, but I am too afraid to make it happen.  It feels like there are so many things holding me back.  I am afraid of change, I always have been.  But sometimes, change is necessary for our health and our happiness.  I want what comes after the change.  I want to feel like myself again.  But, what if I go through with this, and I end up alone in the end? I mean, I guess it doesn't matter SO much, I already feel pretty alone.

~Emily

Inner Conflict.

Ever have the problem of wanting what you either shouldn't want, or can't have? Of course you have.  We all do that every now and then.  Of course, how we handle it is unique to each person and situation.  Maybe my feelings shouldn't be so strong.  Maybe I need to do a better job of ignoring the little voice in the back of my mind.  Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of self control.  I don't act on my feelings (Depending on the situation of course.)  But it doesn't change what my heart wants, you know? You can ignore it, but it's always going to be there.  Ignore me, I am having an argument with myself.  The big problem with these inner conflicts: You always win AND you always lose.  You are your own opponent.  The question is, do you lose the right things? Do you win for the right reasons?

~Emily

Wake up time already?

Well, lets see... I finally went to sleep at FOUR in the morning.  It is only logical that I wake up at eight right? Ha.  Just my luck.  Anyway, today was supposed to be my moms surprise party, but my aunt canceled and she was the money of the whole thing.  This is pretty lame, seeing as I came home EARLY from camping to do this.  Also, remember how I was going to apply to ppcc today? I have to wait till my mom returns from work, I left my wallet in her car.  I needed my ID number for something.  In case you want to know if it gets better, it doesn't.  Meeko has a vet appointment tomorrow, a very expensive one.  Katherine is camping and doesn't have her phone on.  I have no idea if she put the money on my card or not, I may be screwed.  I also need to ask her about switching the return tickets to around the beginning of August.  I'm set on going to school out here, so I don't care if I have to pay for some fee to do this.  I need to begin packing for the summer today, this means I need to find a suitcase in the garage, and clean the laundry in my room.  LAME.  I also have to clean the house like I do everyday mom is at work.  My siblings drop everything pretty much AS they are walking.  I am the only one who gives a crud about what the house looks like (except for mom who works.)  You get my point.  One other complaint I have, I really want to see Justin at least one more time before I go to Oregon.  The only way this can happen is if he asks his friends mom for a ride.  It isn't exactly guaranteed that she will say yes anyways.  For the record, I realllllly hope she says yes.  Im already missing people and I'm not even out of state yet.  Taylor had to leave for Cali on Friday, and wont be back till I  am already gone.  So I can't see him one more time.  I feel bad for him too.  One of his best friends is moving permanently, a few days after I leave for a few months.  I hope I am able to talk to him a lot this summer, now that I have a computer with a web cam and such.  I think the only highlights of my day will be talking to Taylor on the phone, and talking to Justin on the computer.  Other then that, I don't think I have much to look forward to.  Oh, well I did forget that Brittany and Abby may be able to come over later.  That would be awesome.  That would definitely improve my day.  Brit needs a nap, so I could watch Abby for a while (btw, Abby is a month old.)  Well, these are the trials of my morning so far, and hopefully they stop there.

~Emily

Insomniac.

Thanks to YOU (you know who you are)  I am unable to sleep.  I did sleep from nine thirty till like twelve, but then I woke up.  Now that I talked to you, I can't sleep.  Loser, you were able to fall asleep fast I bet.  =).  I'm just messing with you of course.  It doesn't bother me.  In other news, Taylor is way too nice to me.  (And I am going to miss him LOADS while I am out of state.)  He offered the possibility of  driving me to and from college next year.  I will only accept this if i have a job of course.  It's either that, or the city bus pretty much.  (Thank you for the offer Taylor, We'll figure something out.)  Now, I need to register for my classes I guess.  I know I need to take college algebra and English, because i got a letter back from Jonson and Wales telling me that  those are the classes I need to be accepted.  I'm not sure whether I should add another class to that, or just stick with two.  Idk, Ill figure that one out after a little more sleep maybe.  I can apply tomorrow i guess.  We'll see.

~Emily

Gone.

In a few days, I will be leaving Colorado for about three months.  Now, I know I am not leaving forever, but this isn't an easy thing for me to do nonetheless.  There are some people that I have the privilege of being able to be around while in Colorado, that I will miss terribly while I am gone.  I am sometimes completely unsure of how I am going to handle myself without my friends close by.  I know that Art will be with me this summer, but things have been a little rocky between us lately.  I am still stressing out about our recent arguments.  They still lay unresolved (but that is a story for another blog.) Anyway, what will I do if something happens while we are gone? Who will I go to? I know there is always the phone and the internet, but it's just not the same as being there.  Who knows how things will go.  The other thing on my mind, I have to see Aaron.  I am NOT looking forward to that.  I'll let you know how that goes.

~Emily

I just realized.

You know what? I realized something today.  Something that I already knew in some part of me.  I love you.  I really do.  I have never had a doubt about you being there when I need you, and sometimes you are even there just because I want you to be.  I tell you everything about me, I come to you when I need somebody to talk to.  We don't have to be doing something extravagant to have fun.  Some of our best times consist of just sitting and talking for hours.  You know what is best for me, even when I don't.  You worry about my well being more than even I do.  You are one of the few people that I have no doubt I can trust with my life.  I don't think there will ever be a way that I can repay you for everything that you have done for me.  You are my best friend.  I wish you knew exactly how important you are to me.  I guess there are some things in life that not even words can express.  I hope that if you do read this, it isn't too awkward or anything like that.  It's just that I need you to know that no one will ever replace you in my life.  You will always be the first person I come to when I need to talk, when I need a shoulder to cry on, or even when I just need someone to hear about my crazy day.  This may all be some things you have already heard from me, but bear with me.  These last couple of weeks especially, have been some that I could not have made it through without you there.  I guess, I mostly just wanted to thank you.  Thank you for loving me too.

~Emily