Self Evaluation.

The phone call I had early really got me thinking about myself.  For the longest time, since before the breakup, I have hardly been getting four hours of sleep a night.  On top of that, I stopped eating much.  I actually lost weight due to the lack of getting myself food when I needed it.  This has turned out to be due to stress and such.  Well, for the past two nights, I have gotten a full nights sleep.  For the past two days, I have eaten a normal amount.  It is a strange thing, it is like my body is slowly de-stressing, yet my mind isn't fully following.  This must be a good sign though, right? In all honesty, I believe that it is your fault.  (You know who you are).  I have been smiling a little more every day.  Now, I know I am not over the whole breakup thing right now, but it is nice to not have to feel so sad constantly.  Now, it is more like a 50/50 thing.  I think that being happy only half the time is MUCH better than not being happy at all.  I think that I can deal with that for now.  From what everyone tells me, it will only improve from here.  You guys better be right, because I really don't want to go backwards from here.

~Emily

It is official.

I have people coming to see me next Saturday.  I am pretty stoked.  My mood would be perfect if I didn't have to keep seeing your name everywhere.  Everyday, you indirectly remind me of how I made your life hell.  Everyday I feel guilty even though I tell myself I shouldn't.  I need this to work out for me, and you are making  it difficult.  There is someone who is definitely making things a little more bearable, but I am pretty sure I will continue to have these meltdowns off and on for a long time.  It's just the way life is.  Anyway, I am excited to show everyone around Oregon.  I am excited about getting my license test finally over with as well.  (Wednesday).  Things just need to keep moving forward like this.  I need to continue to surround myself with those that I love, get a job, move out, go to college, and just live.  Is that so much to ask, really?

~Emily

Why do you have to keep reminding me you exist?

Who thought that you could have a breakdown while cleaning out your wallet.  I never would have thought that for sure.  Well, there I was, cleaning out my wallet when I pull out two hidden, innocent little plastic white cards.  I read them, and I started crying.  One was "Soul Mates" It said: From that first moment, we made a connection, and I knew that our relationship was meant to be.  Thank you for all that you are, and for reminding me each day of why I love you.  The bond we have found is as everlasting as the spirit.  You would think that this is as bad as it gets, right? But wait! There's more! The next card said "I'll Always Love You." It said: Your love is the most important thing in my life.  When I am with you, the past and future lose all meaning, as the "present" with you is truly a gift.  Thank you for all you are... my love, my companion, my friend.  I'll always love you.  Why is it that EVERY TIME something amazing brings my mood up, something like this shoots me down? Am I not aloud to be happy for more than a couple hours? Is that it? Well BS.  I HATE YOU TOO.  Are you happy now? I'm sure as hell not.  At least not right now.

~Emily

Totally stoked yo.

 So basically, I feel like a genius.  Now, my mom, siblings and two best friends are coming out to see me in oregon.  NVM turns out that one best friend at a time will be here.  (Can you tell I started this blog and then finished it later?)  All well I still get to see both.  That means alone time with each.  Who knows, this could make it better.  Of course, you have no idea what I am talking about, but I will tell you this: Ninja date.  Think on it.  I am completely stoked right now.  Now, time to work my ass off for a week and a half.  I need to pay 500 for their road trip, and 500 for my camera.  I need my camera soooooon.  I want to take pictures of our adventures.  Basically, I get 10 an hour.  I figure if I wake up around 8 and go to sleep around 11, I am up around 15 hours a day.  If I worked for 10 hours a day, for a week straight, I would be at 700 dollars.  That is only 300 short of my camera.  (500 towards the road trip, 200 towards my 500 dollar camera.)  Idk, We will see.  I need tea, leftover Japanese food, and sleep right now.  Night!

~Emily

If you want it, should you go for it?

Right now, I have moved right past the guilty, sympathetic feelings.  I am now pissed off and upset.  I feel like that at this point, you get whats coming to you.  Maybe that is an irrational thing to say, maybe it's not.  Either way, I am saying it and sticking with it (for now at least.)  I will just do my best to move on with my life.  I will TRY to focus on my OWN happiness for once.  I know this is going to be difficult, because honestly, I don't give a shit about myself.  BUT, if it means that I can be happy in spite of you? Maybe.  Immature? Yes.  Do I care? Not right now.  I have my own wants and needs now.  Wants and needs that are completely separate from you for once.  It's both a good feeling, and a rip your heart out kind of pain sometimes.  But, I know that I have somebody to lean on, somebody who cares about me more than I care about myself.  I am soon going to be at the point where I can let you go.  It is going to hurt like hell, but it has to happen.  Just so you know, I can't stay friends with you if she is around.  Call me bitter, but I don't think I want to be anywhere near the ***** who ruined half of high school AND half my relationship.  I don't want to say you have to pick and choose your friends, but wait... Yeah, that is exactly what I want to say.  I may have let you walk all over me while we were together, but I am trying to put myself back together now.  I'm not going to deal with that.  I am not saying that I don't love you, I am not saying that I regret the relationship, and I am not saying I wont miss you.  I DO love you, that will never change.  I don't regret the relationship, I am just glad that it is over right now.  I will miss you, but I have to move on somehow.  In the end, do what you want, say what you want, but just remember, I don't have to stick around at all.

......

You know that feeling you get, when you are having a great time, and you know it is about to end? Worst feeling ever.  You go from laughing your ass off, to remembering how alone you are about to be when you get out of the truck.  Then, you get inside, you are still slightly okay, because you had a great time, but you are lonely again.  And then you hear about something that really upsets you.  You get angry, you feel betrayed.  These feelings feel pointless though.

~Emily

Hmmm.

So I guess I have mono.  Lame.  All well.  Ill get over it just like I have to get over everything else.  Everything is pain right now.  All of my muscles ache.  My throat and tongue hurt.  My heart hurts.  But that is aside from being sick.  My stomach hurts as well.  Man, I know I need to get to sleep, but it is so hard to lay there by myself.  I never do well by myself I guess, but it's worse when I need to get to sleep.  I am so sick of feeling so lonely.  I need physical contact.  Phone conversations and IMs are amazing and all, but physical contact becomes a necessity.

~Emily

Not sure how I managed this...

A double break up? Yes.  I had to break up with him not once, but twice.  It is no longer a break, it is no longer anything.  It hurts for it to be over, but it is better as well.  I feel both relieved and depressed.  Which feeling will win over? On top of all of this, I did it in a restaurant.  At least I know now exactly how good I am at faking a smile.  There were cameras everywhere.  I feel so alone out here.  I feel that if I don't find things to keep myself busy, I will fall into an even deeper depression.  That is not something I want to let happen.  At the same time, it feels so out of my control.  I feel the need to "cleanse".  How do I do that? What will fill this hole?

~Emily

Bad Guy.

I am sooooo tired of being looked at as the bad guy.  Sure, I was the one who broke it off, we have established this.  BUT, it isn't like I did it to run off with someone else, or to just plain out hurt him.  I had reasons.  Good reasons.  I think that one of us has more hope than the other for a reunion.  That fact, makes me really sad sometimes.  It sucks, there is something I am looking forward to when I get back to Colorado now, and I feel bad about being excited for it.  I can't even explain why it makes me feel bad.  It just does.  Regardless of how bad I feel, I am pretty stoked to do it.  It is something that I really want to do.  Thank you for giving me something to look forward to coming home to.  (You should know who you are) Now, time to try to find some sleep before 4 AM for once.  O.O.

~Emily