Boulder.

What a better day to rediscover my blog than New Year's Eve? Yes, I am now living in Boulder.  I moved up here to be a live in nanny for Tania and Jerry.  I help keep the house in order and take care of the little monsters.  It's been pretty tough being by myself.  I miss Taylor like a ton.  I video chat with him like every night though.  At least we have that.  It has been different being by myself.  It is not something that I can say I am used to.  It's quiet if you don't count the children.  I don't always have much to keep me busy, so I kind of lounge when I'm not on duty.  I listen to a lot of music and drink a lot of tea as well.  Today and yesterday the weather has been pretty crazy, it started snowing pretty hard.  It's freezing out there.  I watched a video on facebook of a 20 car pileup in the Springs.  I ended up warning Taywee, I was worried.  On to another random note, I have been awake since about 5:45 AM.  I woke up and emptied everything in my stomach.  I did not feel good.  At least I was able to come back and lay down for a couple hours (on my new heated mattress pad) but I did not get any more sleep.  So, hopefully I will be starting yoga soon.  I think it will help me.  I need some sort of stable low key exercising class.  Anyway, i am pretty excited because Taylor should be up here around 6 PM.  I can't wait!! We are babysitting the monsters tonight, watching movies, and making coffee cake.  Tomorrow night we are going on a date.  Yay!
Well, that's all for now.  I'll try to keep you updated.

~Emily

Btw...I am writing this in English class...

I know... I'm a bad person.  But hey, I'm still participating in the discussion.  But anyway, my mom pretty much kicked me out of my house today.  I have no one to stay with.  I lost my ride to school.  Life blows sometimes.  Luckily Taylor's brother shares my English class, so I can carpool to that one.  I MAY be able to get a ride with Jody to my baking class (ex boyfriends mom, still super close with her.)  A couple problems would be a ride home from baking, and a ride to my Monday math class.  I don't even know where to begin figuring things out.  I need a job like you wouldn't believe.  With job comes car, moving out... Well... A lot comes with getting a job.  It's pretty much necessary.  Not to mention I am about to get kicked off of my health insurance because my step mom can't afford it any more thanks to my father.  This means I need to file taxes, be an independent, and apply for Medicaid.  Again, this comes with job as well.  I am just a huge ball of stress.  Thank god I have Taylor, I don't know where I would be without him right now.  He is pretty much my hero.  I hate this being a 'half adult' crap.  I am old enough to do all of these great things, to be independent, but do not have the means of getting there.  Therefore I am not really a full adult.  If my stress level continues to stay this high, I am going to start losing my appetite again.  I don't fully understand it, but it happens.  Life.  Ugh.

~Emily

Tis been a while.

I am blogging this while preparing some Apfelkuchen (German apple cake.)  I am also photographically documenting the process for another blog.  Blogging while blogging.  I am a nerd.  Now I finally have the cake in the oven and there are a million pictures of it.  Mannnn, my house is empty except for me now.  My little brother went next door for the night and my family went with George to Mind Seizure.  You couldn't get me to go there if you dragged me.  I hate haunted houses.  (But love scary movies...Go figure.) Anyway, I get the car while they are gone, so Taylor and I are going out for dinner once I get this cake out of the oven and pick him up.  I wish we could go somewhere creative, but all that is close is Applebees and a Chinese place.  We will probably end up doing Applebees again.  I would love to do Borriello Brothers Pizza, but I can't have cheese.  Sad.  So now I have at least 25 minutes on the timer.  Lammmmme.  What is there to do while I wait? Eat oreos? Hahahaha.  I'll let you know how it turns out.

~Emily 

Many reasons.

There are a few reasons for writing this blog.  It has obviously been quite a while since I have updated.  As general updates on my life go, I am still very happily with Taylor.  I am home in Colorado again, I got back on July 31st.  Things at home have been very rocky for me.  I am doing my best to keep my head above water so to speak, but it’s not as easy as it sounds.  I thought I had a job, but right now I don’t even know.  The boss lady hired Taylor and I, but has kinda been giving us the run around.  I guess it will play out how it’s supposed to.  Now, this is most definitely not everything that has happened in the last couple months, but right now I have other things on my mind, so I will get back to you on that.  More recently, I have been having some problems.  I have been getting a lot of random moments of depression.  They will just hit me out of nowhere.  To go along with that, I have developed some sort of phobia of being by myself.  For example, every time Taylor has to leave me.  It’s tough to explain because it’s completely irrational.  In my head I know that he needs and deserves time to himself, time with his friends, just time away from me in general.  In my head, I am okay with that.  Some other part of me is not okay with being alone though.  I can’t really control it and it is driving me insane.  It just happened again tonight when he needed time with his friends.  I have been stressing him out so much,  I can see it.  It isn’t right and I feel so bad about it every single time.  Tonight though, we talked about it for nearly two hours.  He was calm and I eventually got there.  I felt so much better after talking with him.  I really wonder what I did to deserve someone who treats me so ridiculously amazing. I love him like you wouldn’t believe.  Anyway, I had more to say, but I am having some trouble thinking straight.  I will try to get back to you on all of this. 

~Emily

Scheduled up.

My life is now between constant babysitting, Shandee and Ben, phone calls to and from Taylor<3, and general appointments and such.  It's actually pretty funny, I have been back and forth between babysitting, and hanging with Shandee and Ben since Sunday.  I stayed the night with the both of them at Ben's place for four nights now.  It's been fun.  It's been a good distraction from how absolutely lonely I have been.  Goddddddd I miss him so much.  There will always be random moments in the day that it will be worse too.  Like right now, I miss him even more so now because I am going to bed soon.  Bleh.  Well, off to bed.

~Emily

So Lonely.

Ever feel EVERYTHING at the same time? Yeah, that's me.  Right now for example, I am happy, pissed, sad, excited, lonely, exhausted.... The list really does go on.  I am a walking mess sometimes.  I make it through though.  I sometimes don't even know how I make it through each day without going crazy, just because of how many things I have in my mind at one time. I just want to be back in Colorado right now...  You really have no idea how lonely I am.  I really have no one right now, and it completely blows.  As you know, I do not do well on my own. >.<

~Emily

Getting Things On Track.

I've just been thinking a lot lately.  I applied to PPCC, I applied to like six different jobs, I need to move out.  I suppose the latter of the three will be easier once I have said job and have a steady pay check.  As of yesterday, I have my license, but in Colorado that does me no good until I have a job to pay for my own insurance.  Figures right? All of this stuff goes back to me getting a job.  I wish the phrase "money makes the world go round" wasn't so true.  Back to moving out.  I have one serious room mate offer, and one that would be serious if she knew exactly where she was going to be in that time frame.  I have a possibility of moving out decently soon, but that would require me to let somebody else support me completely until I have a job.  That is way too much to ask.  (Even if I didn't really ask)  It just seems to me like everything is changing so quickly these days.  Some of the changes are wonderful, some just plain hard.  I mean really, graduation(Awesome!), end of long term relationship(Hell), leaving the state for long period of time(Bad timing), new relationship(He makes me super happy), college(Just another step), job(Everyone needs money), moving out(I don't even know)...  And not to mention all of the newly acquired allergies right? (Screw you allergies) Haha.  My life can seem pretty ridiculous at times, but I am getting through it with help.  I just need to keep moving forward with my life, and TRY to ignore the asses along the way.  Thank you to everyone who has always had my back.  You guys have no idea how much you truly mean to me.  I am going to find a way to show you all how much I love you guys, one day.

~Emily

Back With A Vengance.

It's been a while, I know.  There has been a lot of great things since the last time I updated you.  At the same time, there has been a lot of really bad things as well.  For one, you may as well know that I am now with Taylor.  I know what you are thinking, too fast, right? The funny thing is, it feels like it is where I am supposed to be.  It's kind of like all of my unhappiness and stress just go away when I am with him, or even just when we talk on the phone.  He makes me feel better, not so broken.  Yes, I just got out of a pretty serious relationship, but you know what? If I am happy with my decisions, what does it matter to anyone else? I shouldn't have to put my life on hold just because of a breakup.  For right now, I know what I want, I know what (more so, who) makes me happy.  On the bad side of things, there are quite a few people that seem to think I am not doing anything right.  I was told that watching me is like watching a car accident in slow motion.  I was told that people think that I am changing, but not in good ways.  Some people think that I have anger issues and that I don't take anyone's opinions into account but my own.  They think that I can't take criticism.  To clear things up, if you call me and blow up on me about something that has absolutely no negative effects on you, if you spread my private life to people, if you make immature comments about my decisions both behind my back and to my face, if you lie to me about what others have or have not said, I am sure as hell going to defend myself.  I will not take kindly to false accusations, name calling, and lies.  You call it anger issues, I call it self defense.  You say nothing gets through to me? Try talking to me instead of blowing up in my face for no reason.  You'd be surprised how much better that will work for you.  You say I can't take criticism? Try giving something constructive for once.  You think I have turned into a bitch? No, I have finally decided not to let you walk all over me anymore.  Get over it. :D.

~Emily

Hyper And Exhausted.

So, I went to horseback riding lessons with my sisters today.  My dad had to come with though.  Ugh.  Anyway, driving with him is stressful, but the lesson was really fun.  I got to learn different methods of controlling and directing the horse (Sonny) And I got to get hugged and kissed by my new "boyfriend" Macho Hahahahaha.  He is the horse you see in the picture.  He rolled over like a dog, and I got to lunge him (walk him in circles and such)  And I got to brush him.  Ever been licked in the face by a horse? It was hilarious.  Man though, horseback riding can build some serious leg muscle.  Okay... The picture I was gonna put up of Macho and I is being slow to send to my email.  Ill post it later.  Ill finish this blog later.  Lmao.  There, I finally loaded the picture like two days later.  Muahahaha.  I can finally finish writing this.

~Emily

Oh My.

In just a short amount of time I can finally stop being so impatient! They are on there way to Oregon as we speak :).  I am SOOOOOOO excited.  Now, how am I going to make it through tomorrow? Oh yes.  Plenty of cleaning to keep me busy huh.  Wonderful.  Soooo looking forward to that.  Hahaha.  I can't waitttttttttttttttttttttt.  I am going to have so much fun for the next couple of weeks.  I guess I better start memorizing that song that someone expects me to sing for them.  Haha.  I already know it, but I better make sure.

~Emily

What Can I Say?

Last night-I was pouring out my heart-Like a waterfall to you-And with one kiss-I was a runaway train-Flying off the track to you-I love you came flooding out-I couldn’t make it stop-I couldn’t shut my mouth.-I felt like a fool then lied and said I was sorry, but-I unapologize-I meant every word-Won’t take back the way I feel about you-Can’t unsay what you heard-Cause you heard me right-And I won’t try to fighting back and hide my feelings for you-I unapologize---Carrie Underwood "Unapologize"
Sometimes there are days where I find a million songs that fit my mood exactly.  There are two Carrie Underwood songs today for two different people. 
How did it come to this? -I think about you all the time -It's no excuse, but I wish -That I never made you cry -I'm not sorry that it's over -But for the way we let it end -I couldn't find the words to say---Carrie Underwood "What Can I Say"
I think it is probably pretty obvious who that one is for.

(I am sooooooooooooooo excited today.  They are on there way to Oregon tonight!!)

~Emily

Strike 3 yourrrrre out!

 It has been a bumpy day.  Dmv, bank, home and self drama.  I feel better now though.  (Thank you =D) Btw, I failed my first driving test.  For stupid reasons.  I have to take it again in a week.  I am not looking forward to another test.  At least I know what I did wrong.  Maybe I will get a different tester next time.  And right now, I am embarrassed as all hell.  But I will most definitely not tell you why that is.  LMAO. 

~Emily

Something for you to ponder.

" I love you Not only for what you are, But for what I am When I am with you. I love you, Not only for what You have made of yourself, But for what You are making of me. I love you For the part of me That you bring out; I love you For putting your hand Into my heaped-up heart And passing over All the foolish, weak things That you can't help Dimly seeing there, And for drawing out Into the light All the beautiful belongings That no one else had looked Quite far enough to find. I love you because you Are helping me to make Of the lumber of my life Not a tavern But a temple. Out of the works Of my every day Not a reproach But a song. I love you Because you have done More than any creed Could have done To make me good. And more than any fate Could have done To make me happy. You have done it Without a touch, Without a word, Without a sign. You have done it By being yourself. Perhaps that is what Being a friend means, After all. " - Roy Croft

~Emily

It don't break even.

My head is so full right now, I can't even come close to decipher what I am thinking about.  Mostly, I just feel like this breakup has my life on hold.  I feel like I can't make any decisions on anything without the worry of being looked down upon or just plain out hated.  As much as I would like to say I don't care what others think about me, it is obvious now that saying so would be lying.  I know, the breakup was very recent.  I know, I still wake up crying because I dream about him.  And believe me, I know that I am no where near over this yet.  But, I also know what makes me happy right now.  More so, i know who makes me happy.  And doesn't the fact that I dream about someone and wake up smiling tip the scale too? You tell me.

~Emily

What An Improvement.

I am liking this. You gave me a good dream. I laughed so much yesterday I felt happy for hours. I had a couple amazing conversations on the phone, with the amazing person who made my day. Why cant I feel this way everyday? I went to sleep happy, and then because of you, I woke up happier. I feel lighter somehow, like I have dropped some big weight off of my shoulders. I dont want it back. I am hoping you will help me stay this happy. I mean, dont get me wrong, right now I am lonely as hell, but I am happy still. I would also like to thank Shandee and Nathan for kidnapping me again yesterday. I love you guys.

~Emily

New.

You come in
You wipe the slate clean
I am almost me again
You clean the wounds
They slowly begin to heal
Slowly bringing me back again
You  hold me
Take away my fears
Never want to be alone again
Please kiss me
Fight off all the pain
Never let me go again

~Emily

Self Evaluation.

The phone call I had early really got me thinking about myself.  For the longest time, since before the breakup, I have hardly been getting four hours of sleep a night.  On top of that, I stopped eating much.  I actually lost weight due to the lack of getting myself food when I needed it.  This has turned out to be due to stress and such.  Well, for the past two nights, I have gotten a full nights sleep.  For the past two days, I have eaten a normal amount.  It is a strange thing, it is like my body is slowly de-stressing, yet my mind isn't fully following.  This must be a good sign though, right? In all honesty, I believe that it is your fault.  (You know who you are).  I have been smiling a little more every day.  Now, I know I am not over the whole breakup thing right now, but it is nice to not have to feel so sad constantly.  Now, it is more like a 50/50 thing.  I think that being happy only half the time is MUCH better than not being happy at all.  I think that I can deal with that for now.  From what everyone tells me, it will only improve from here.  You guys better be right, because I really don't want to go backwards from here.

~Emily

It is official.

I have people coming to see me next Saturday.  I am pretty stoked.  My mood would be perfect if I didn't have to keep seeing your name everywhere.  Everyday, you indirectly remind me of how I made your life hell.  Everyday I feel guilty even though I tell myself I shouldn't.  I need this to work out for me, and you are making  it difficult.  There is someone who is definitely making things a little more bearable, but I am pretty sure I will continue to have these meltdowns off and on for a long time.  It's just the way life is.  Anyway, I am excited to show everyone around Oregon.  I am excited about getting my license test finally over with as well.  (Wednesday).  Things just need to keep moving forward like this.  I need to continue to surround myself with those that I love, get a job, move out, go to college, and just live.  Is that so much to ask, really?

~Emily

Why do you have to keep reminding me you exist?

Who thought that you could have a breakdown while cleaning out your wallet.  I never would have thought that for sure.  Well, there I was, cleaning out my wallet when I pull out two hidden, innocent little plastic white cards.  I read them, and I started crying.  One was "Soul Mates" It said: From that first moment, we made a connection, and I knew that our relationship was meant to be.  Thank you for all that you are, and for reminding me each day of why I love you.  The bond we have found is as everlasting as the spirit.  You would think that this is as bad as it gets, right? But wait! There's more! The next card said "I'll Always Love You." It said: Your love is the most important thing in my life.  When I am with you, the past and future lose all meaning, as the "present" with you is truly a gift.  Thank you for all you are... my love, my companion, my friend.  I'll always love you.  Why is it that EVERY TIME something amazing brings my mood up, something like this shoots me down? Am I not aloud to be happy for more than a couple hours? Is that it? Well BS.  I HATE YOU TOO.  Are you happy now? I'm sure as hell not.  At least not right now.

~Emily

Totally stoked yo.

 So basically, I feel like a genius.  Now, my mom, siblings and two best friends are coming out to see me in oregon.  NVM turns out that one best friend at a time will be here.  (Can you tell I started this blog and then finished it later?)  All well I still get to see both.  That means alone time with each.  Who knows, this could make it better.  Of course, you have no idea what I am talking about, but I will tell you this: Ninja date.  Think on it.  I am completely stoked right now.  Now, time to work my ass off for a week and a half.  I need to pay 500 for their road trip, and 500 for my camera.  I need my camera soooooon.  I want to take pictures of our adventures.  Basically, I get 10 an hour.  I figure if I wake up around 8 and go to sleep around 11, I am up around 15 hours a day.  If I worked for 10 hours a day, for a week straight, I would be at 700 dollars.  That is only 300 short of my camera.  (500 towards the road trip, 200 towards my 500 dollar camera.)  Idk, We will see.  I need tea, leftover Japanese food, and sleep right now.  Night!

~Emily

If you want it, should you go for it?

Right now, I have moved right past the guilty, sympathetic feelings.  I am now pissed off and upset.  I feel like that at this point, you get whats coming to you.  Maybe that is an irrational thing to say, maybe it's not.  Either way, I am saying it and sticking with it (for now at least.)  I will just do my best to move on with my life.  I will TRY to focus on my OWN happiness for once.  I know this is going to be difficult, because honestly, I don't give a shit about myself.  BUT, if it means that I can be happy in spite of you? Maybe.  Immature? Yes.  Do I care? Not right now.  I have my own wants and needs now.  Wants and needs that are completely separate from you for once.  It's both a good feeling, and a rip your heart out kind of pain sometimes.  But, I know that I have somebody to lean on, somebody who cares about me more than I care about myself.  I am soon going to be at the point where I can let you go.  It is going to hurt like hell, but it has to happen.  Just so you know, I can't stay friends with you if she is around.  Call me bitter, but I don't think I want to be anywhere near the ***** who ruined half of high school AND half my relationship.  I don't want to say you have to pick and choose your friends, but wait... Yeah, that is exactly what I want to say.  I may have let you walk all over me while we were together, but I am trying to put myself back together now.  I'm not going to deal with that.  I am not saying that I don't love you, I am not saying that I regret the relationship, and I am not saying I wont miss you.  I DO love you, that will never change.  I don't regret the relationship, I am just glad that it is over right now.  I will miss you, but I have to move on somehow.  In the end, do what you want, say what you want, but just remember, I don't have to stick around at all.

......

You know that feeling you get, when you are having a great time, and you know it is about to end? Worst feeling ever.  You go from laughing your ass off, to remembering how alone you are about to be when you get out of the truck.  Then, you get inside, you are still slightly okay, because you had a great time, but you are lonely again.  And then you hear about something that really upsets you.  You get angry, you feel betrayed.  These feelings feel pointless though.

~Emily

Hmmm.

So I guess I have mono.  Lame.  All well.  Ill get over it just like I have to get over everything else.  Everything is pain right now.  All of my muscles ache.  My throat and tongue hurt.  My heart hurts.  But that is aside from being sick.  My stomach hurts as well.  Man, I know I need to get to sleep, but it is so hard to lay there by myself.  I never do well by myself I guess, but it's worse when I need to get to sleep.  I am so sick of feeling so lonely.  I need physical contact.  Phone conversations and IMs are amazing and all, but physical contact becomes a necessity.

~Emily

Not sure how I managed this...

A double break up? Yes.  I had to break up with him not once, but twice.  It is no longer a break, it is no longer anything.  It hurts for it to be over, but it is better as well.  I feel both relieved and depressed.  Which feeling will win over? On top of all of this, I did it in a restaurant.  At least I know now exactly how good I am at faking a smile.  There were cameras everywhere.  I feel so alone out here.  I feel that if I don't find things to keep myself busy, I will fall into an even deeper depression.  That is not something I want to let happen.  At the same time, it feels so out of my control.  I feel the need to "cleanse".  How do I do that? What will fill this hole?

~Emily

Bad Guy.

I am sooooo tired of being looked at as the bad guy.  Sure, I was the one who broke it off, we have established this.  BUT, it isn't like I did it to run off with someone else, or to just plain out hurt him.  I had reasons.  Good reasons.  I think that one of us has more hope than the other for a reunion.  That fact, makes me really sad sometimes.  It sucks, there is something I am looking forward to when I get back to Colorado now, and I feel bad about being excited for it.  I can't even explain why it makes me feel bad.  It just does.  Regardless of how bad I feel, I am pretty stoked to do it.  It is something that I really want to do.  Thank you for giving me something to look forward to coming home to.  (You should know who you are) Now, time to try to find some sleep before 4 AM for once.  O.O.

~Emily

Can this be impossible?

Everyone says that I WILL get better day by day.  Everyone seems to know that things will improve.  Everyone feels this but me.  All I can do is find things to fill the empty feeling inside me, if only temporarily.  I try to keep myself busy, I try not to stay alone in my head for long.  I feel like I need to stay out of the house for long periods of time.  If I do this, I am forcing myself to focus on something else.  Sometimes if feels wrong to feel so upset about this break up, only because I initiated it.  Is that true? I did what I thought was best for the both of us.  I DO still love him, very much.  I just couldn't keep living like I was.  I was constantly stressing out to the point of physical pain.  Anyways, as I was saying before, I am trying to stay out of the house as often as possible.  Tomorrow Sick Puppies will be in our local venue (I saw them 2 times already and they are my favorite band) And I am trying to locate a non-busy friend to go with me.  I really want to go.  I really just want to stay out of my head, and music is probably a good way to achieve that.

~Emily

Listen to this.

Some songs just completely explain what is going on.  This song is called "Starts With Goodbye"  it is by Carrie Underwood.  Even if you don't like her, read these lyrics, if you know my situation, you will understand why.
I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.
[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.
[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.
Time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
Somehow, right now.
[Chorus:]
I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
Starts with goodbye,
The only way you try to find,
It's sad but, sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye,
Na na na na na na na.

~Emily

Big room, Huge bed, Little me...

I'm not going to lie, this feeling I am having, it is lonely.  I have an entire basement room set up for two people, and it's just me and the dog.  Does he miss me? Should I care? I don't even know what to think right now.  I have had a total of eleven hours of sleep in the last three days.  Ridiculous, I know.  Leaving Colorado, leaving on that bus, saying goodbye... It was one of the hardest things I have EVER had to do.  I cried on that bus for who knows how long.  Hell, I cried on the plane too.  Now that I am actually in Oregon, I feel weird.  I feel fakey happy and hyper.  The only time it didn't feel fake was while I was talking on the phone.  My heart felt like it was actually lighter, because when I laughed, I actually meant it.  Two hours later, we finally had to say goodbye.  Suckish.  Too bad he can't teleport his butt out here with me.  That would make me genuinely happy.  At least we will be roomies.  Also, when he picks me up from the airport (after we beat the crap out of eachother for every SlugBug we saw) He is taking Meeko and I hiking.  After hiking, I get the first massage I will have gotten all summer.  Until then, I need to find a temporary fix for a broken heart.  Any ideas?

~Emily

And you thought you knew what real pain was.

So it's over then.  Where do I go from here? Where am I? I'm lost, I am confused, I did this to myself.  I think I am broken.  He had more than just my heart.  It feels like he has a part of me that I will never get back.  I don't feel like a whole person anymore.  Am I still me? Do I still belong here? Give me a reason to believe I do, please.  I'm not sure I have ever been this afraid.  I'm not sure I have ever felt this guilty.  I didn't just break his heart...I broke my own.  I need someone to tell me they can fix it.  I need someone to tell me that everything is going to be alright.  No, I need someone who makes everything feel like it's alright.  (When I talk to you, I do feel like I am alright, I forget about things sometimes, and then I get off the phone, and I remember.)  They say it doesn't last forever.  They say I will move on.  Will I? Should I? Do I deserve to? I am not asking to gain pity.  I am asking because I honestly do not know.  How am I going to make it through the summer? Can't I just bring you with me? That may make it better.  Will I still get my own place? Should I?
Will you come with me if I don't want to do it alone? I'd like that.

~Emily

It only hurts when I breathe.

Right now, I am not fine.  I am not okay.  Don't even bother asking.  I am a mess.  I just want my friend home, I need someone to lay with me.  We don't even have to talk, I just need the closeness.  I need the company.  I need to know that it is going to be okay.   All of this feels so wrong to me, it was not supposed to go this direction.  It was never supposed to get bad.  We were supposed to last forever.

~Emily

I can't help it.

This couldn't be anymore the truth than if I wrote it myself.  What is wrong with me? What am I doing? It's time for me to be happy.  I think I know what makes me happy now, but getting there is a fight on its own.  Can't someone please tell me what to do? I feel so lost here.  It's like I know exactly what I want, but I am too afraid to make it happen.  It feels like there are so many things holding me back.  I am afraid of change, I always have been.  But sometimes, change is necessary for our health and our happiness.  I want what comes after the change.  I want to feel like myself again.  But, what if I go through with this, and I end up alone in the end? I mean, I guess it doesn't matter SO much, I already feel pretty alone.

~Emily

Inner Conflict.

Ever have the problem of wanting what you either shouldn't want, or can't have? Of course you have.  We all do that every now and then.  Of course, how we handle it is unique to each person and situation.  Maybe my feelings shouldn't be so strong.  Maybe I need to do a better job of ignoring the little voice in the back of my mind.  Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of self control.  I don't act on my feelings (Depending on the situation of course.)  But it doesn't change what my heart wants, you know? You can ignore it, but it's always going to be there.  Ignore me, I am having an argument with myself.  The big problem with these inner conflicts: You always win AND you always lose.  You are your own opponent.  The question is, do you lose the right things? Do you win for the right reasons?

~Emily

Wake up time already?

Well, lets see... I finally went to sleep at FOUR in the morning.  It is only logical that I wake up at eight right? Ha.  Just my luck.  Anyway, today was supposed to be my moms surprise party, but my aunt canceled and she was the money of the whole thing.  This is pretty lame, seeing as I came home EARLY from camping to do this.  Also, remember how I was going to apply to ppcc today? I have to wait till my mom returns from work, I left my wallet in her car.  I needed my ID number for something.  In case you want to know if it gets better, it doesn't.  Meeko has a vet appointment tomorrow, a very expensive one.  Katherine is camping and doesn't have her phone on.  I have no idea if she put the money on my card or not, I may be screwed.  I also need to ask her about switching the return tickets to around the beginning of August.  I'm set on going to school out here, so I don't care if I have to pay for some fee to do this.  I need to begin packing for the summer today, this means I need to find a suitcase in the garage, and clean the laundry in my room.  LAME.  I also have to clean the house like I do everyday mom is at work.  My siblings drop everything pretty much AS they are walking.  I am the only one who gives a crud about what the house looks like (except for mom who works.)  You get my point.  One other complaint I have, I really want to see Justin at least one more time before I go to Oregon.  The only way this can happen is if he asks his friends mom for a ride.  It isn't exactly guaranteed that she will say yes anyways.  For the record, I realllllly hope she says yes.  Im already missing people and I'm not even out of state yet.  Taylor had to leave for Cali on Friday, and wont be back till I  am already gone.  So I can't see him one more time.  I feel bad for him too.  One of his best friends is moving permanently, a few days after I leave for a few months.  I hope I am able to talk to him a lot this summer, now that I have a computer with a web cam and such.  I think the only highlights of my day will be talking to Taylor on the phone, and talking to Justin on the computer.  Other then that, I don't think I have much to look forward to.  Oh, well I did forget that Brittany and Abby may be able to come over later.  That would be awesome.  That would definitely improve my day.  Brit needs a nap, so I could watch Abby for a while (btw, Abby is a month old.)  Well, these are the trials of my morning so far, and hopefully they stop there.

~Emily

Insomniac.

Thanks to YOU (you know who you are)  I am unable to sleep.  I did sleep from nine thirty till like twelve, but then I woke up.  Now that I talked to you, I can't sleep.  Loser, you were able to fall asleep fast I bet.  =).  I'm just messing with you of course.  It doesn't bother me.  In other news, Taylor is way too nice to me.  (And I am going to miss him LOADS while I am out of state.)  He offered the possibility of  driving me to and from college next year.  I will only accept this if i have a job of course.  It's either that, or the city bus pretty much.  (Thank you for the offer Taylor, We'll figure something out.)  Now, I need to register for my classes I guess.  I know I need to take college algebra and English, because i got a letter back from Jonson and Wales telling me that  those are the classes I need to be accepted.  I'm not sure whether I should add another class to that, or just stick with two.  Idk, Ill figure that one out after a little more sleep maybe.  I can apply tomorrow i guess.  We'll see.

~Emily

Gone.

In a few days, I will be leaving Colorado for about three months.  Now, I know I am not leaving forever, but this isn't an easy thing for me to do nonetheless.  There are some people that I have the privilege of being able to be around while in Colorado, that I will miss terribly while I am gone.  I am sometimes completely unsure of how I am going to handle myself without my friends close by.  I know that Art will be with me this summer, but things have been a little rocky between us lately.  I am still stressing out about our recent arguments.  They still lay unresolved (but that is a story for another blog.) Anyway, what will I do if something happens while we are gone? Who will I go to? I know there is always the phone and the internet, but it's just not the same as being there.  Who knows how things will go.  The other thing on my mind, I have to see Aaron.  I am NOT looking forward to that.  I'll let you know how that goes.

~Emily

I just realized.

You know what? I realized something today.  Something that I already knew in some part of me.  I love you.  I really do.  I have never had a doubt about you being there when I need you, and sometimes you are even there just because I want you to be.  I tell you everything about me, I come to you when I need somebody to talk to.  We don't have to be doing something extravagant to have fun.  Some of our best times consist of just sitting and talking for hours.  You know what is best for me, even when I don't.  You worry about my well being more than even I do.  You are one of the few people that I have no doubt I can trust with my life.  I don't think there will ever be a way that I can repay you for everything that you have done for me.  You are my best friend.  I wish you knew exactly how important you are to me.  I guess there are some things in life that not even words can express.  I hope that if you do read this, it isn't too awkward or anything like that.  It's just that I need you to know that no one will ever replace you in my life.  You will always be the first person I come to when I need to talk, when I need a shoulder to cry on, or even when I just need someone to hear about my crazy day.  This may all be some things you have already heard from me, but bear with me.  These last couple of weeks especially, have been some that I could not have made it through without you there.  I guess, I mostly just wanted to thank you.  Thank you for loving me too.

~Emily